【译诗】“走入丛林中” —— 初次来诗坛请教。请各位大师指正。

我最近读到了一首很美丽的英文小诗，因为很被触动，瞎翻译成中文。但我的文底，特别是诗文，不是很好。所以贴上来向诸位请教。

见笑了。多谢！

西岛

后注：稍改了一下译诗题目和头一句，加入了一点儿动态感。

英文原诗: 

I go  among trees by Wendell Berry

I go among trees and sit still.
All my stirring becomes quiet
around me like circles on water.
My tasks lie in their places
where I left them, asleep like cattle.

Then what is afraid of me comes
and lives a while in my sight.
What it fears in me leaves me,
and the fear of me leaves it.
It sings, and I hear its song.

Then what I am afraid of comes.
I live for a while in its sight.
What I fear in it leaves it,
and the fear of it leaves me.
It sings, and I hear its song.

After days of labor,
mute in my consternations,
I hear my song at last,
and I sing it. As we sing,
the day turns, the trees move.

我的译文： 走入丛林中

我走入树丛里定坐，
让激情慢慢安静下来
像水面的波涟静静地发散。
让琐事停在它们原来的地方
像沉睡的生畜。

惧怕我的魂灵先来了
它在我的眼界里晃荡许久。
使它惧怕的情绪离开了我，
它对我的惧怕也离开了它。
它开始歌唱，我听见了它的歌声。

我惧怕的魂灵也来了
我在它的眼界里晃荡许久。
让我惧怕的情绪离开了它，
我对它的惧怕也离开了我。
它开始歌唱，我听见了它的歌声。

日复一日
静坐凝思
我终于听到了我自己的歌，
我开始歌唱。
在我和它们的歌声里，
白天走了黑夜降临，
树声沙沙。