嫁给自己的男人原著：查理•费什
汉译：惠兰
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一
“为什么不可以呢？”
就这一句话，我的好朋友，扎特伽牧师改变了我人生的路。对我说这话的时候，他刚刚花了两个小时与主教弗来明通话，讨论了《圣经》里不同的部分，详详细细地检查了每一个细节。他指出犹太圣经警告基督徒不能与姊妹结婚，不能与姑姑、姨妈、母亲，岳母，女儿，甚至他们的孙女（如果他们被诱惑的话）结婚。但在那本好书里没有一个地方有规定不能与自己结婚。所以，当我告诉扎特伽牧师那正是我想做的事时，他终于说出了这句决定命运的话：
“为什么不可以呢？”
当然，《圣经》也忽略了禁止任何人娶他的曾祖母，娶他的桌子，或者宠物鱼。我一点也不会奇怪，如果我知道主教弗莱明因为没有如此的规定而最终娶了他钟爱的法国卷毛狗，或者娶了他的毯子——他反正已经和它一起睡了很多年。不管怎样，在我说服那好牧师让我娶我梦想的男人时，我必须说服我的母亲和父亲。我得说，在一个已建立了两千多年的国际性的宗教与我不起眼的父母之间，我父母要远远难以说服得多。
开始我母亲根本就不把这当回事儿。是的，几乎没有人会把它当真，但我要让她知道我是认真的。她不断问我愚蠢的问题，比如“为什么要结婚——你可以与自己过活呀？”或者“在婚礼上你穿什么？
并且悲哀的是，这想法使我父亲近于发狂，真的发狂！在婚礼后的很多年他花了很多时间为各种各样的杂志，录音书籍以及空间管理通讯写文章，说他是第一个在太空中有性行为的人。他看来很自信，尽管事实上他与太空最接近的东西只是他计算机键盘上那大大的键扣。当别人问起他与谁在太空发生性关系时，他为创造戏剧性效果，通常会停一会，用他野性的目光看着你，尖叫到“我自己！”
我希望我可以信赖我最好的朋友们对我的事表示同情，但是我觉得他们认为这是一个玩笑。他们通常很支持我，但在婚礼之后，他们花了很多时候来开我玩笑。我从他们那里收到的一些婚礼礼品很不友好：黄色杂志，丝手套，甚至一个天花板镜。而且我很失望当扎特伽牧师背诵结婚誓言时他们没法忍住他们的窃笑：“作为一个丈夫，你在婚姻里能保持象一个人一样生活吗？你会热爱并安抚你自己，服从并敬重你自己，在病疼和健康时，只要活着就忠于你自己吗？”我发誓我一个朋友笑得连尿都流出来了。
二
我到拉斯维加斯度了个很好的蜜月，睹掉了我所有的积蓄，没有人唠叨我花了多少钱，我在拉克斯尔宾馆有一个私人包间，为一晚的消费……
除了税收方面的好处（当然试图说服税务员我是我自己的配偶简直就像到地狱一样艰难），我有很多理由嫁自己。自从我懂得什么是结婚以来，我一直渴望找一个我能信任的伙伴，我想要一个人总是和我在一起，我可以对他诉说我最隐秘最黑暗的秘密而不被笑话。可惜，尽管找女朋友对我不是太大的问题，我总是对此感到令人痛苦的味道。于是我意识到我理想的伙伴比任何人想象的离我都更近。
总之，我认为我的婚姻大部分是成功的。我很少与配偶争论，事实上我发现自己是最好的谈话者。我争论过几次，但我总是赢。至于性嘛——那是由我操纵。自然，有一些媒体侵犯，很多廉价记者们想在这个不寻常的婚姻中获利。我发现他们的一些文章很好玩，而另一些令人生气，特别是那些认为我是这世界上最自负，或者最自恋的人。我不觉得我是这样一个狂妄的人，我只是享受我的伴侣。
我想可能是激素的关系，一个生命的阶段或什么东西，我突然很想要一个孩子。老调是我意识到我是要死的，因此想要把我的基因传下去。因此，好多天左思右想、反复平衡后，我决定与我丈夫分手以便找一个妻子。我和扎特伽牧师谈了，他告诉我，不能说离就离。我必须得有合法的理由。有趣的是，想要一个孩子不在离婚合法理由的单子上。
正如好牧师解释那样，我只有在与我配偶分居至少一年才能离婚，这显然办不到，除非做个大手术，或者我的配偶对我很残酷，或者配偶被监禁至少一年。我并不愿意痛打自己一顿，或者在监狱里晃荡以便与自己离婚。唯一的办法是通奸。我只需要与不是自己的任何人发生关系，正常的，直接的，人与人之间的性，就可以解除婚约。
三
因而，我不情愿地取下结婚戒指，开始寻找配偶。我的朋友们对我很残酷，说我分居是为了防止自己变成瞎子。我觉得当我告诉她我要与我自己分开时，我母亲松了口气。我父亲停了一下，做出戏剧效果，转过他野性的眼睛看着我，尖声叫到：“我自己！”也许，他真的是在另一个世界。
我预想着要花不少时间才能找到一个人愿意与我睡觉，她又不怎么读报纸因而不知道我已结婚，但是很快我就找到一个面无表情的马来西亚女孩，她很容易被勾引诱。老实说，那性交非常令人失望。看来她对怎样激发男人的性欲一窍不通，而我自己已是个老手。我假定这性交对她来说也不怎么样——我也好久没沾女人，不知怎样讨女人的欢心。
那以后离婚就很容易。看起来教堂巴不得把我劈成两半，好像我的婚姻是个极大的错误。离婚之后，有好几个月我感到很孤独。至少，那个地方上的心理医生（专攻多重性格紊乱者）不再每周给我送他那令人讨厌的商务卡了。
我花了近十年的时间寻找一个不认为她嫁给了个三角恋的好老婆。大多数时候是等待媒体忘掉“ 那个嫁给自己的男人。” 同时，我用那个标题写了一份自传。
在自传里有我对我自己婚姻的详细记载，包括与自己生活的好处与坏处，我怎样对待别人对我和我丈夫的批评，和我们关系中一些亲密的细节。我觉得这些章节使那本书几年后成为一本畅销书。人们很好奇阅读这样一种奇特婚姻的含义。我想它使人思考。他们会读我的书而自问：“我容易与人过活吗？如果我必须与我自己过活，我能做到吗？”他们全都会停止寻找白马王子或是合意的公主，有一小会儿，他们会询问自己是否会成为别人很好的配偶。
四
我再没有听说任何照样画符的自己嫁自己的事，这也许是因为媒体对这种事不感兴趣，或者教堂决定不允许这样的事再发生。不管怎样，那些现在全都扔在我身后了。我和老婆刚刚搬进一个新家，大到足够容纳我们将要诞生的孩子。我现在很快乐。事实上，这一刻我不能擦掉脸上的笑容。你看，我的隔壁邻居是弗来明主教和他可爱的妻子，那只法国卷毛狗。
注：摘自《小说山庄》一书。2009年3月，人民文学出版社。
英文原文：
ACharlie Fish Translated by Huilan
The Man Who Married Himself
1'
Why not?'
With those two words, my good friend Reverend Zatarga changed the course of my life. When he said them to me, he had just spent two hours on the telephone with Bishop Fleming discussing various sections of the Bible in excruciatingly fine detail. He pointed out that Leviticus warns Christians not to marry their sister, aunt, mother, mother-in-law, daughter or even their granddaughter (should they be tempted). But nowhere in the good book is there a rule against marrying oneself. So when I told Reverend Zatarga that was exactly what I wanted to do, he eventually conceded those two fateful words:
'Why not?'
Of course, the Bible also neglects to forbid anyone from marrying great-grandmothers, tables or pet fish. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Bishop Fleming ended up marrying his beloved French poodle as a result of all this. Or his blanket - after all he's been sleeping with it for years. Anyway, once I convinced the good Reverend to let me marry the man of my dreams, I had to convince my mother and father. I'd have to say that between an international religion, firmly established for two millennia, and my own humble parents, my parents were far more difficult to persuade.
My mother just wouldn't take it seriously at first. OK, very few people took it seriously, but I needed her to know I meant it. She kept asking me silly things like 'Why marry - you can just live with yourself?' or 'What will you wear for the wedding?'
And sadly, it drove my father quite mad. Literally. For years after the wedding he spent days typing up articles for a wide variety of news journals, record books and space administration newsletters claiming that he was the first person to have had sex in space. He seemed quite convinced, despite the fact that the closest he had come to space was the big button on his computer keyboard. When asked who he had allegedly had sex with, he would usually pause briefly for dramatic effect, turn his wild eyes towards you and yell shrilly: 'Myself!'
I would have hoped that I could trust my best friends to be sympathetic towards my cause, but I think it was all a bit of a joke for them. They were often supportive, but after the wedding they just spent a lot of time making fun of me. Some of the wedding presents I received from them were quite demeaning: pornographic magazines, silk gloves, even a ceiling mirror. And I'm disappointed in them for not stifling their mirth when Reverend Zatarga recited the marriage vows: 'Will you keep yourself as a hu*****and, to live as one in marriage? Will you love and comfort yourself, obey and honour yourself in sickness and in health, and be faithful to yourself as long as you shall live?' I swear one of my friends wet himself laughing.
2
I had a great honeymoon in Las Vegas, gambling away all my savings with nobody to nag me about how much money I was spending. I had a penthouse suite in the Luxor hotel for the night of consummation . . .
I had many reasons for getting married when I did, apart from the tax benefits of course (trying to make the tax inspector understand that I was my own spouse was hell, though). Ever since I understood the concept of wedlock, I longed for a partner that I could trust. I wanted to have someone with me always, to whom I could tell all my deepest, darkest secrets without having them laugh at me. Unfortunately, although getting girlfriends was usually not too big a problem for me, I tended to have excruciatingly bad taste. Then I realised that my perfect partner was closer to home than anyone could have realised.
Altogether, I think the marriage was a great success for the most part. I rarely argued with my spouse; in fact I found myself to be the best conversation holder around. The few times that I did argue, I always won. And the sex was, well - it was whatever I made of it. There was some media intrusion of course, lots of cheap journalists trying to cash in on this unusual union. I found some of their articles amusing, and others quite offensive, especially the ones dubbing me the most conceited and/or narcissistic man in the world. I don't think I'm such an egotist, I just happen to enjoy my company.
I suppose it was a hormonal thing, a stage of life or something, that made me suddenly crave a child. The cliche is that I realised I was mortal, and I therefore wanted to pass on my genes. So after many days weighing up the pros and cons I decided to split up from my hu*****and in order to find a wife. I had a chat with Reverend Zatarga, and he informed me that I couldn't just file for a divorce on a moment's notice. I had to have legitimate justification. Curiously, wanting a baby wasn't on the list of good reasons to divorce.
As the good Reverend explained, I could only divorce if I had been living apart from my spouse for at least a year which would be difficult without major surgery or if my spouse had treated me cruelly or been imprisoned for at least a year. I wasn't particularly willing to beat myself up a bit or lounge around in prison just so I could divorce myself. That left one option: Adultery. I just had to have sex with someone other than myself; normal, straight, human sex, and I could be free from the bonds of marriage.
3
And so it was that I reluctantly removed my wedding ring and started searching for a mate. My friends were cruel about it, saying that I was separating to stop myself from going blind. I think my mother was relieved when I told her that my relationship with myself was coming to an end. My father just paused for dramatic effect, turned his wild eyes towards me and yelled shrilly: 'Myself!' Maybe he really is on another world.
I expected it to take me quite a while to find someone who was both willing to sleep with me and who hadn't read the newspapers enough to know that I was already married, but I soon found a plain-faced Malaysian girl who was relatively easy to seduce. The sex was, to be honest, rather disappointing. It seemed that she knew almost nothing of what turns a man on, whereas by that point I myself had become quite an expert. I suppose it wasn't great for her either - I wasn't practised in pleasuring members of the fairer sex.
The divorce was easy after that. It seemed that the church was keen to split me apart, as if my marriage had been a big mistake. I felt quite lonely for several months after the break-up. At least the local psychiatrist (specialising in multiple personality disorders) stopped sending me his damned business cards every week.
It took me nearly a decade to find a good wife who didn't think she'd be marrying into a threesome. Most of that time was just waiting for the media to forget about 'The Man Who Married Himself'. Meanwhile, I wrote an autobiography with that very title. Included in the book was a detailed account of my marriage to myself, including the ups and downs of living with myself, how I dealt with everyone's criticism of me and my hu*****and, and some intimate details of my relationship. I think it was these sections that made the book a real success when it was published some years later. People were just curious to read about the implications of such an unusual marriage. I suppose it made people think. They would read my book and ask themselves: 'Am I easy to live with? If I had to live with me, could I do it?' They all stopped searching for their Mister or Little Miss Right for just a moment to ask themselves if they would ever make a good spouse for anyone.
4
I didn't hear of any copycat self-marriages, which probably either means the media lost interest or the church is determined not to let it happen again. Anyway, that's all behind me now. My wife and I have just moved into a new home, big enough to accommodate our new child when he is born. I am happy now. In fact, right now I can't wipe the smile off my face. You see, our next door neighbours are Bishop Fleming and his lovely wife, the French poodle.
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