He whispers next to my ear. "say you love me". " I love you". "say you are my woman" "i am your woman".
but i am not your woman. i am my own woman.
From the depth of his eyes, i see the sparkle of tears. but he did not cry.all these years he only cried twice, for me, for us. when i just met him, i was such a kid. He said--" i never cry" and i said--"i will surely make you cry".He laughed hard, and remembered it as a joke( of me) . Of course he cried for me. but i cried for him for so many times, i feel that my tears are dried out.
" you know, all these years, i saw your change, " he said--" before you make a big change, you always would experiance a long time of pain." "yes, you are right. that pain was too long". "then, once you change, you will never come back. and you will be happy." "that's so right". a big smile comes up, i feel as if i am listening to my heart. Who else would know me this well in this world?
Yes i am so happy now. Somebody asked me, what on earth do i want ( from a man)?? what do i want? i asked myself. I want love as a breeze of spring. no weight, no possession. I will have no expectation from him, and he would have no expectation from me. I only want happiness from love, no tears, no pain.
I know i am hurt deeply. But i also had moved on and made the big change. I am ready to find out about myself. i am ready to see the world again.
women tend to take man as their biggest decoration, without figuring out what they really want for themselves. I use to believe men mean the door to the world. i envy their power, their intelligence. their cruity. So i took a man of intelligence as my decoration. it was when i had taken his happiness as my happiness, his pain as my pain, i start to realize i lost myself. then i lost him. then he lost me.
even now, we feel like family, we feel like friends, sometimes, we even feel like lovers like before, i will never go back to my craziness to him and to a love affair. until i got back my courage...to the world of passion. right now i am so tired.
I know, for me, it is hard to not wanting to pocess a man i like. but i try.
I will keep telling myself-- If you love somebody, set him free.
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