1 葬礼何时举行? What Time Is The Funeral?
My son, a teaching assistant at the University of Kansas in Lawrence, had an important appointment after class one day. He put on a white shirt, a tie and a conservative dark suit. As he was leaving his apartment, he noticed his mouse trap had a victim. Holding the trap carefully out in front of him, he walked to the dump. A professor happened by, took in the situation and asked, "What time is the funeral?”
一天课后, 我儿子有一个重要的约会, 那时他在劳伦斯的堪萨斯大学任助教。他穿上白衬衣, 戴上领带, 套上正统的深色西装。正要离开房间的时候, 他发现鼠夹上夹了一只老鼠。他小心谨慎地拿着鼠夹, 向垃圾堆走去。有位教授碰巧路过, 看到此番情景, 问道:“葬礼何时举行?”
2 室友都有点怪 Roommates Are A Bit Strange
There was a university boy who left home and moved into the dorm. After a few weeks his parents phoned to find out how he was. "What are your roommates like?” his mother asked.
"They are a bit strange, actually,” he told his mum, "On one side there is a man who keeps banging his head against the wall, and on the other side there is another man who just cries and moans.”
"I would keep to myself if I were you, "advised his mother.
"Oh, I do,” the son replied. “I just stay in my room all day and play my bagpipes.”
一个男大学生离开家庭, 搬进了集体学生宿舍。几个星期后, 他的父母打电话, 问他生活得怎么样。“你的室友怎么样?”他母亲问道。
“说实话, 他们都有点奇怪, ”他告诉母亲, “这边住着一个男生, 总是用头撞墙;那边住着另外一个男生, 成天不是哭喊就是哀叹。”
“如果我是你, 我就不同他们来往。”他母亲建议道。
“噢, 我就是这样做的, ”儿子回答道, “我整天都待在自己的房间里吹风笛。”
3 我以为你在叫下一个学生 I Thought You Called the Next Student
A teacher was asking a student a lot of questions, but the student could not answer any of them. The teacher then decided to ask him some very easy questions so that he could get a few right. "What was Bunker Hill” she said.
The student thought for some time and then answered, "An airport?”
“No, it was a battle.” the teacher said. She was getting a little angry now, but she was trying not to show it. Then she asked, "Who was the first President of the United States?”
The student thought for a long time, but did not say anything. Then the teacher got very angry and shouted. "George Washington!” The student got up and began to walk towards his seat.
"Come back,” the teacher said, “I did not tell you to go.”
"Oh, I am sorry.” the student said, “I thought you called the next student.”
老师问了一个学生很多问题, 但是这个学生却一个问题也回答不出来。于是老师决定提问他一些简单的问题, 好让他回答对几个。“邦克山是怎么回事?”她说。
学生想了一会儿, 然后回答: “是飞机场吧?”
“不对, 它是一次战役的发生地。”老师说。此刻, 她有些生气了, 但是她竭力不表现出来, 随后, 她又问: “谁是美国的第一任总统?”
学生想了很久, 但还是回答不出来。老师气极了, 大吼一声: “乔治·华盛顿!”这个学生站了起来, 朝着自己的座位走去。
“回来!”老师说, “我还没有让你走。”
“噢, 对不起,”学生说, “我以为你在叫下一个学生。”
4 海伦的眼镜 Helen’s Glasses
Helen’s eyes was not very good, so she usually wore glasses. But when she was seventeen and she began to go out with a young man, she never wore her glasses when she was with him. When he came to the door to take her out, she took her glasses off, and when she came home again and he left, she put them on.
One day her mother said to her, “But Helen, why do you never wear your glasses when you are with Jim? He takes you to beautiful places in his car, but you do not see anything.”
"Well, Mother,” said Helen, “I look prettier to Jim when I am not wearing glasses and he looks better to me too!”
海伦的视力不是很好, 所以她通常都戴眼镜。但17岁的时候, 她开始跟一个男孩外出约会, 约会的时候她从不戴眼镜。每次男孩来到她家门口带她出去, 她就把眼镜摘掉, 等回家后男孩走了, 她再把眼镜戴上。
一天, 她妈妈跟她说, “海伦, 为什么你跟吉姆在一起的时侯从不戴眼镜?他开车把你带到美丽的地方去, 可是你却什么都看不见。”
“不过, 妈妈, ”海伦说, “我不戴眼镜的时候吉姆就会觉得我更加美丽, 而且我也会觉得他更好看。”
5 教室里太吵了 Too Much Noise in Class
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior.
"Now,” he said, "are there any question?”
One girl stood up timidly, “Please sir,” she asked, “May we have our teacher back?"
这是开学的第一天。校长在巡视的时候听到一间教室特别地乱哄哄。他冲了进去, 挑出一个比其他孩子都高的男孩儿, 他似乎闹得很凶。校长抓着这个男孩儿, 将他拽到大厅里, 让他待在那儿。
回到教室, 校长重整了课堂秩序, 又花半小时讲了举止得体的重要性。
“现在,”他说, “还有什么问题吗?”
一个女孩怯生生地站了起来, “对不起, 先生,”她问, “能让我们的老师回来吗?”
6 你会怎么办? What would you do?
Son： Mum, if someone broke your best vase what would you do?
Mum： I'd spank him and send him to bed without any supper!
Son： Well, you’d better get the slipper. Dad's just broken it!
儿子：妈妈，如果有人打碎了你最好的花瓶，你会怎么办?
妈妈：我要揍他，还不让他吃晚饭就去睡觉!
儿子：好了，你准备好拖鞋吧，爸爸刚把那只花瓶摔碎了。
(from internet)
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