| Farewell - To my beloved wife Cuiqin
(Original written in Chinese 惜别 ： 惜别―谨献给我的爱妻翠琴[全文]
Time flies, your voice and smile, your warmth is still there, but in an instant, time has ruthlessly let the sun and the moon cross ten years... Is it providence or fate? Although ten years of suffering made me finally break through the ghost gate and pull our beloved daughter into adulthood; However, all things are not satisfactory. My beloved daughter is no longer the beloved daughter I used to be, and I can no longer boast of being a dutiful father... Ask yourself, although I don't know where the fault is, but I am really ashamed of the trust I have entrusted you... On the occasion of the 10th anniversary of your death, I apologize once again, and hope that your soul may be able to bridge the gap between our father and daughter. Do I know if my request is providential? But beyond that, I'm helpless...
1. Remembrance
You came into this world in a hurry, and with all kinds of sorrow and nostalgia, without leaving a word or a word; You opened your eyes with the last remaining strength: with that endless emotional love, you gazed at your beloved and our kind and beautiful little princess, and held her little hand with reluctance. It's time to say goodbye, willingly or without even a chance to speak ...
With hope and longing, with kindness and love, you have come to this world that you thought was full of beautiful love. In the Great Hall of Heaven, you have gazed at this amazing world countless times: rainbows dotting the blue sky and earth, and the warmth of the sun brings everything to life. Creatures of all shapes play and frolic in the jungle to their heart's content, and people live in warmth and harmony. In the beautiful Ili Garden, with the bursts of birds singing and flowers, the couples snuggled up to their relatives and whispered, just like a pair of lovesick birds in love pouring out their love and attachment to each other. . .
This is the world you aspire to! You ask God to allow you to come to this amazing world because there are your dreams there. Maybe it's a misalignment of time, the gods have mistakenly banished you to a completely strange world. The sky is so dark, and the earth is so desolate. Bullying, abduction, cunning and cruelty are everywhere in this bizarre world...
Suddenly, a sheep trying to escape from its pursuit bursts into your sight: exhausted from the long run, the wolf still in hot pursuit. The lamb had nowhere to hide, and its whole body trembled, and its weeping was accompanied by a miserable wail; It was so frightened that it couldn't keep its balance, but there was still a glimmer of desire to survive in its desperate gaze. It reluctantly scans everything around it, trying to find any glimmer of life that would allow it to survive ...
Seeing what is happening in front of you, you can't bear to let that little life die in the clutches of the wolf. It seems that you have forgotten the ferocity of the wolf, and you can't take care of yourself and are just like a weak girl, you quickly picked up the poor little life with an arrow, and fled from the ominous place with it...
In the darkness of the barren mountains and wilderness. There are no people, no food, no flowers and birds, only the raging winds and merciless thunderbolts and lightning, and the terrifying and miserable roar from the depths of the mysterious mountains makes you at a loss and unable to find a home. You gently touch the poor little creature that is dependent on you, and let it lie peacefully in your arms and try to calm its restlessness. The thunderstorm doesn't seem to stop, and even though you're almost soaking wet, you don't forget to shield the elf from the rain with your clothes.
Get on your knees, and you ask God to allow you to return to where you want to be, not to this hell on earth; But it was too late. You try to understand the world, hoping to earn understanding with your kindness in exchange for a place to live. Yet no matter how hard you try, even to give everything you have to this world, you still can't be accepted. You try to find a way to the world you yearn for, but this world is like a labyrinth that you can never change the ruthless tricks and troubles of fate...
Weak and kind, you will never understand why such a large world, which even contains all living beings, has no place for you to live; Pure mercy means that you will never understand this unjust world. With all sorrow and pain, with all that endless worry and love, you have finally freed yourself from the chains of this devilish world and returned to your kingdom of heaven...
2. Childhood
On the afternoon of July 14, 1956, with bursts of light crying, with purity and kindness, accompanied by longing and yearning, a life fell to the ground. This is you, born into a poor and ignorant family because of the errors of the gods and time. Although you are beautiful and lovable, your parents have no time to take care of the hardships of life. When you were four years old, your family could no longer make ends meet on your father's meager income, thanks to your aunt who lived in the countryside and adopted you.
When night fell, my aunt was exhausted from a hard day's work, but in order not to disappoint her little princess, she always described those fascinating fairy tales for you, and the moving myths often transported you to that magical and wonderful world. Lying in your aunt's warm arms with a sweet smile, you fall asleep contentedly...
Time flies. Although life in the countryside is simple, the good thing is that you have a kind and kind aunt who always keeps the best meals for you. Afraid that you would be hungry, whenever your uncle took you around to visit relatives and friends, your aunt always filled your pockets with bulging. With the aroma of snacks, the warmth of the fields and the friendship of friends, you have spent your childhood in the countryside in the blink of an eye.
You prefer the countryside, where the people are more amiable and friendly than those in the city. The friends in the village are simple and friendly, kind and helpful. In their eyes, you are their princess, frolicking around you all day in the pond and countryside, chasing through the jungle fields. Do you believe that one day your inner prince charming will kneel down and woo you forever...
The sun and moon cycle, the stars alternate, and in the blink of an eye, you have become a beautiful girl. Your uncle suddenly realizes that life in the countryside may ruin your life, and tries to finally get you back to the city. However, the gods of luck did not come to you, and the changes in urban life have caused you to suffer again. Eight years of rural life have made you forget the urban language; Poverty makes you have to wear the same garments day in and day out ...
The contempt and ridicule of your classmates and neighbors and children make you feel ashamed, and you can only bury your tears deep in your heart in order not to let your parents bear your loneliness and sorrow. However, you also need friends, and you need the warm love of relatives and friends. Kindness and sincerity finally made you get a piece of your own world, but the good times didn't last long, just as you were complacent about your efforts, your family moved again. Since then, you have lost the world of friends you have just established, and you have returned to the loneliness of the past...
3. First love
Because of Mao Zedong, a large number of educated youths were sent from the cities to the countryside to settle down, and of course you are not immune. In 1975, you were sent to Chongming Farm, and with it was another pain and suffering. You were too weak to bear the heavy work in the fields, and the scorching sun caused you to faint in the fields of the farm several times. Thanks to the help of your friends, you can get a competent accounting job on the farm.
You may have had your own ideals, but the bad luck that follows always makes it difficult to fulfill your ideals. The boring farm life makes life boring and decadent; The mainland's peculiar political system has made certain cadres more unscrupulous and do whatever they want. Some of the female companions in the same room did not hesitate to trade their bodies to find a way to return to the city, and they no longer seemed to care if you had fallen asleep in the same room while they traded. The small and the ordinary cause no one to pay attention to your existence, and the worries torment you like invisible shackles that make you at a loss ...
You once had your first love. Your beauty, your simple smile and your sweet voice always touch people's hearts so easily. However, after a long period of adversity, you never dare to expect too much. Like a mimosa in the storm, you have to hide yourself in everything in order to survive. You always bury your love in the depths of your heart, and you dare not accept the attachment and love of others. It's like the Cinderella in the Crystal Slipper story, you are so difficult to get people's attention and discover.
The bloody storm of the unprecedented Cultural Revolution has finally passed. After six years of confusion and torture, you finally have a chance to goTens of thousands of educated youths were able to return to the city. However, that bizarre and copper-smelling metropolis is no longer the Shanghai that you and I are familiar with. People quickly shifted from political fanaticism to the cult of money. The temptation and lust for money makes your parents and your ruthless brother even more self-interested. Ignoring your wishes, they are not afraid of brotherhood, and they secretly plot to trade your beauty for marriage in exchange for the money they covet...
However, intimidation and inducement do not bring you to your knees, because you have your very own Prince Charming in mind.
Fourth, love
each other That's when we fell in love. Although the time is short, we do not have enough opportunities to get to know each other, but similar experiences resonate with you and me. Your straightforwardness and simplicity convinced me that you were the life partner I was looking for. Even though I can't be the Prince Charming you think you are, I know I will love you with all my heart and soul. I will bring you warmth and security with my love, so that you will never be bullied again, and do all I can and my life for you ...
Their dreams were dashed by my poverty, and our love shattered their illusions. In order to break us up, they put pressure on you in every way. If one plan fails, another plan will be implemented; He tried to make us retreat with a covenant of marriage. Countless efforts have been in vain and disappointing, for we will never be able to gain their understanding or understanding ...
There are only two paths before you and me: one is to stay at the mercy of the home that no longer loves you; The second is to break through their obstruction and follow our own path. Although we knew that this was a difficult and difficult path, we still chose the latter without hesitation. Because we firmly believe that the power of love can create a better future with our hands. Although life is always so unsatisfactory, you have just jumped out of the sea of suffering, and you still have to face the prejudice of traditional concepts when you don't even have a change of clothes.
People who have lost their faith and are crazy about money have become so worldly and self-interested; We finally broke through the obstacles and changed the kitchen at home into our new house, but we still had to face the objections of our families. People think that your background is not a good match for me, and some have even suggested that your past be reviewed to prove your innocence. The eyes of people who have just come from the Cultural Revolution and are carried away by money worship are so ruthless. . .
Our union had no weddings, no feasts, and even the most modest honeymoon was criticized. Worldly prejudices make you have to swallow helpless tears again and again. My heart is broken as your husband. For this reason, I pray silently, hoping that a merciful God will show us a clear way. I have sworn to God: with my hands we will be lifted out of poverty, and with my life I will restore you warmth and comfort, that my love may melt your past suffering and fear, and that you will never be hurt again. However, in the face of layers of pressure, I broke my promise...
I am so small, so incompetent in the face of the prejudices of the world, that I have no place to be ashamed of myself in front of you ...
5. Go abroad
God has finally given us a chance to live a new life, and you and I have been fighting for eight years. Despite our double debts, both domestic and foreign, and the responsibility of caring for our elderly uncle, who had been swept away, we accepted the challenge of fate with ease. Not for anything else, in order to give ourselves a fair opportunity to challenge fate, but also to open up a new world of free flying for our little princess.
Eight years of dreaming of going abroad, from Canada to the United States, from the United States to Hong Kong, and from Hong Kong back to Canada; No one thought we would have a chance to go abroad. However, with my relentless foolish spirit, the dream finally came true. In October 1987, bidding farewell to the bitter and vicissitudes of the yellow earth, with the passion of striving for entrepreneurship, facing the goose feather snow in the sky, we finally came to the paradise on earth.
When I was still on the mainland, although I knew a little about the West, I knew that it was not paradise either. In addition to being full of opportunities and realizing one's potential, it is also full of pitfalls and sins. But everyone said that Canada was one of the best countries in the West, and I had a loved one who had the same blood as me to greet us.
Yet the same loved one whom we regard as his own father, who also takes advantage of our kindness and weakness, has ruthlessly hurt us ... We are desperate. What kind of world is this? Why have people become so selfish, denied their relatives, and cruel and ruthless?!
In the first two years of coming to Canada, although the income was not abundant, and the language was not understood; However, the Chinese virtues of frugality and diligence have finally allowed us to save a little while paying off our debts, and at the same time I have a good job. Although I got up early and returned late, I didn't take a vacation, I didn't see the light of day, and I didn't have the opportunity to share the warmth of the family, but I am still proud that I can once again provoke the pillars of the family in a foreign country, and create a warm home for my beloved and our beloved little princess.
Because of my culinary experience and skills, some people have invited me to co-found the restaurant. The same skin color, similar background, made me believe that everyone would fulfill their promises, but I was still too naïve and naïve. In any case, I can't imagine that in their eyes, I am just a bridge for their success.
Giving up their good wages, they managed to build a restaurant on the ground and get their business on track, but the bridge to cross the river no longer had its original value. In the face of profits, the partners broke their promises, and we lost almost half of our savings... The reality was so cruel and unforgiving that I was even more overwhelmed. It was you, who silently made up for my broken heart with your warmth, and made me muster the courage to live again.
6. Entrepreneurship
Anger, grievances, and grievances led me to ignore the advice of my friends and hastily take over a small restaurant in the middle of nowhere, which was never profitable, in an attempt to make a comeback. Due to the lack of funds, there is no advertising, no fanfare decoration, and no banquet is opened to pave the façade to attract the attention of customers; Relying only on my confident cooking skills and sincere and family-like service, I started my business and won customers.
Thanks to the Lord's kindness, it is such a small restaurant that changes owners almost every six months, but it has brought us life and let us see the hope of starting a business. From sparse to full of customers, the guests are still patiently waiting outside the door to taste the dishes, and the hard work and labor have finally paid off.
Whenever we see the number of employees constantly increasing due to the overburst, and even our little princess sometimes joins our team to give tea and water to the guests; We are sincerely grateful, grateful that the god of luck has finally favored our Lao Yan who has been hovering on the edge of life. The harvest of hard work has added joy to us, and the only deficiency is that we are not able to take good care of our only beloved daughter, and we have no time to take care of her growth, regret and guilt.
We began to try to build our own love nest, and we took advantage of the two half-day shop days a week to enjoy the warmth of our little jasper, and the rare leisure gave our beloved little princess the opportunity to express her affection. I thought that we could get rid of and forget all kinds of misfortunes and troubles in the past, but because of the turmoil of Chinese mainland's reform, we once again fell into another trap...
The double whammy of the economic depression and the loss of our father caused us to abandon the small restaurant we had worked so hard to build. In the absence of a decision on where to start our own careers, we, who are trying to help our families in the mainland get out of poverty as soon as possible, do not change our cars or buy houses, but still pour out our money to help our relatives in the mainland get rich; However, the turmoil of the mainland's economic reform did not bring good news to our relatives on the mainland, and the fanaticism of blind business made my all-encompassing sister become greedy for profit and completely forgot her own ability and our trust, so that we lost all our money.
The silk garment business, which was expected to travel for the mainland, may bring us a glimmer of opportunityHowever, they were deterred by the incorrect business concept that the people on the mainland had just set foot in the free economy. The frenzy of money worship has made people lose their minds and lose their minds, and I have to negotiate-for-tat with my relatives and friends in the mainland because of the loss of my Canadian customers.
The silk industry, which was supposed to be full of vitality, was destroyed by the factors of man-made vicious competition on the mainland, so that we also accumulated a large amount of overdue inventory that was not shipped according to the customer's requirements, and became one of the victims of the bitter fruits of vicious competition in the mainland's silk industry. For this reason, I had to go south to the United States several times to find business opportunities...
7. Mystery
The unforgiving truth made me unable to balance myself, and the brutal blows made me despair again. Sitting on the top of that high mountain, I asked why the way of the world was so sinister, and the sky was silent; Ask God why the world is so ruthless, God is speechless; Again, why can't the god of fate give so much more charity or enable us to maintain the warmth of a small jasper? But the only thing that answered me was the sound of the jungle and the thunder on the eve of the storm...
I can't bear to look at you, who are tormented by my soul, and once again warm my increasingly cold heart with your weak body. It was you, with your ordinary and simple heartfelt words, to re-inject me with the confidence and courage to make a comeback. I work hard and work hard; I hope that my attachment will influence the god of luck and favor us again. Although I can't always be by your side, I thought that the accumulation of wealth would at least bring you comfort in life, but I was completely wrong...
The taste of the wild goose flying apart is painful. The flying pigeon cannot express the affection between you and me, and the telecommunication cannot shorten the distance between Florida and Mongolia; I can't talk about the pain of lovesickness between each other... I advised you to abandon the backlog of silk garments and go to the United States to start a new business, but I couldn't bear to see me lose too much of you, and insisted on selling small batches in Mengcheng, while finding me a job as a chef and persuading me to try to recreate the world in the same place.
Finally, in the face of career, money and family love, I chose the latter. He gave up the opportunity to return to the hotel group and reinstate his career, and also gave up the opportunity to rebuild his business in the United States, and returned to Monte City to re-enter the kitchen and resume his old job as a chef. Not for anything else, just for "I wish people a long time, thousands of miles together", but everything seems to be too late...
When you learned that I had decided to return to Montene, in addition to inquiring about a suitable job for me, I searched around to find a love nest that suited us to live and work in peace and contentment. In the dark, you silently arranged everything. The viewing of the natural scenic spots of Vermang, the outing of the Lanminfu Nature Zoo and the excursion of the old capital of Canada turned out to be the last days of family reunion.
What we never expected was that our reunion would be so short and short. You, who have never been keen on worshipping the Buddha, suddenly asked me to worship the Buddha and incense together, and repeatedly asked me to squeeze out time to listen to the lay monks who are good at understanding numerology to calculate the future of you and me. Ignorant and dull, I thought it was a joke in the face of the warnings of lay monks; Even a few days before the accident, you still didn't notice why you've been so depressed lately?
Contrary to the past, you waited until late at night when I came home from work and still didn't sleep. I didn't have time to pay attention to your abnormality due to the exertion of work, so I only said a little hello as usual and then dragged my tired body to bed. Silently staring at me, you suddenly muttered to yourself without knowing how to speak, "... It seems that this family is no longer important if I have it or not... "Pedantic, I can't imagine that this is really a farewell. Stupid, I'm just trying to persuade you not to fall asleep with your head and whirring around when you're cranky...
Two days before the accident, you and your beloved daughter took a group photo on the computer in the mall. When I came home late at night, I stared at the shadow, and a sense of foreboding suddenly hit me, but I couldn't crack the mystery... Although the photo is rolled up, I have repeatedly told you to destroy it and re-shadow your daughter, but I don't expect this shadow to be the last photo of you and your beloved daughter; And in the past few days, the ordinary and trivial whispers between you and me have become a farewell gift...
8. Contingency
A heavy snowfall in the early morning of November 30 covered the city of Mengcheng, and although the midday sun added a bit of sparkle to the snow, it did not relieve the bitter cold of the early winter, but the roar of the hurricane made people feel more desolate. I was in a hurry to go to work, and I suddenly realized that you were also going out, and I was going to send you to give up because of repeated refusals, but unexpectedly, the disaster was over, and death was coming...
I hurried to the hospital after receiving my beloved daughter's complaint, and you who were already unconscious never had a chance to say goodbye to us... The quack's lack of medical skills, combined with a full seven hours of delay, makes you never wake up even after surgery. The tragic lesson of my father's tragic death in the Mengcheng Hospital made me dare not neglect the slightest bit. Guarding your hospital bed day and night, I not only asked people to ask for a prescription, but also negotiated with the hospital again and again to ensure that the hospital would keep its promise and actively rescue you; But it was all in vain...
It was only a few jets apart from the promise he had just made that the abominable quack had made a move without me knowing it. Seeing your blood pressure disappear and your body temperature drop, I repeatedly questioned the hospital and begged for help, but it was all in vain... ARTICLE 99 "It was like a thunderbolt from the blue, and I almost lost my breath. When I learned the truth, my blood swelled, and I was furious.
The unjust death of my father is still vivid, and the tragedy of misfortune has not yet been resolved, and now the tragedy has been repeated again in you. Who said that Canada is a paradise on earth, and who said that the West talks about human rights and fraternity? Is it simply because of linguistic and cultural differences, or because in a white-dominated society, we immigrants of color are reduced to inferior citizens and deserve discrimination?
Even though the hospital claimed that it had resumed the rescue administration, it was all a hoax! I believe that I don't know anything about medicine, and I am obsessively guarding your side and hoping for a miracle, but everything has gone back to heaven. Quacks who disregard human life not only deprive you of the best chance of rescue, trample on human dignity, but also deprive you of the most basic right to live.
Again, I pray for God's mercy. Hold your hand tightly as it loses its temperature, and keep blaming myself for my negligence. For the umpteenth time, I beg your forgiveness; Touching your hand that is getting rougher and rougher when I build a love nest with me, tears accompany me to gently hum the most favorite tune of you and me when we get together, hoping to call you up with the help of the divine power of Eros...
Kneel before you, looking up at the vast blue sky, I pray again, I beg the heavens again and again to allow my life to be exchanged for your rebirth; For our daughters must not be without a mother's love. If providence compels us to make painful choices, that is my choice. Moreover, God should give you a fair opportunity to enjoy the paradise of the world and not just to make you suffer the sufferings and misfortunes of the world ...
9. Farewell
Suddenly, I saw my daughter rushing into your hospital room with the goose-yellow bear doll in her arms, the relic of her father's death, and I knew that everything was irreparable... In despair, I suddenly realized that the surroundings had lost all their brilliance except for black and white. I can't imagine how I, who have lost the meaning and color of life, can raise my beloved daughter who has not yet crossed the twelfth year and fulfill my promise?
Looking at my beloved daughter, whose eyes were red and swollen from crying, and tears stained, love, regret and helplessness hit my heart at the same time. I kept blaming myself, why did I have to wait for the catastrophe to fall before I suddenly woke up? Ignorant and dull, I always thought that wealth and money would at least give you what you didn't dare to hope for or have in the past; However, I forgot that as a woman, you are more concerned about caring, understanding, love and thoughtfulness. Besides, you're so sentimental. In front of you, I suddenly feel that I am so incompetent and failing.
Today, you are trying to regain my sobriety with your precious life and let me understand the true meaning of life. Eight days and nights of hard work and anticipation have become our farewell... I have not done my duty, and I am even more worthy of being your husband, so that I will not be able to confess my faults when you are dying. Your parting has made me regret it for the rest of my life...
Your heart is great. In order to help others, you can do nothing in return. You can even accept a family of passers-by who meet in Pingshui to eat and live at home for free for a long time without complaint. You have endured endless stress and pain for this home, giving more than you instinctively. You have left me everything you can, and you have never asked for anything in return. You are like an angel sent by God to come into this world to save my soul ...
In this moment of grief, I suddenly woke up from my sleep. Although you have left this world today, your kindness and purity, your heroic smile, your beautiful figure and your pleasant and sweet voice will always be engraved in my heart... Rest in peace, my dear. You have completed the journey of your life, and the Lord has given me the comfort to witness your soul enter the kingdom of heaven.
Say a word of cherishing my bosom friend, what has been lost is irretrievable, and those who live must better complete the course of life. Bear heart, my dear, no matter how miserable my life may be without you, I will still fulfill my promise - to do my best to make the crystallization of our love grow healthy and tenacious, more intelligent, and more thoughtful; so that she can get a good education and create a better future for herself...
Rest in peace, my dear lady, and it is only today that I have come to realize how much I love you that I cannot give up, that I am so affectionate and persistent. I will pray for you at all times, asking the Lord to bless you perfectly, to make you feel at ease in the palace of Heaven, and to be happy with you forever...
I will continue to do good and help the weak, so that God and you will forgive me, and seek justice for you, for me, and for the injustice of the world. At that time, the stars in the sky will be brighter, the moon on the fifteenth will be rounder, and the sun's brilliance will be even more brilliant!
* Sending love to my beloved wife, Ms. Ren Cuiqin. Ms. Yam Tsui-kam died on 30 November 1995 at the age of Chinese New Year's Eve, Quelange, Canada, at 3:30 a.m. in volunteer service at YWCA downtown montreal.
May fraternity care for every class and let happiness live forever in the world!
[Farewell] 10. Postscript
Counting carefully, in fact, today should be my widow [Note1] The 11th anniversary of Xie Shi's death. [Farewell] was finally written, but the lawsuit filed in the Quebec Court in '98 to get justice for my widow was lost. I thought that this murder case because the doctor and the hospital trampled on the patient's basic right to life, including medical negligence and delay, should be very beneficial to us, but due to the confidence and negligence of my lawyer when he filed the case, the main topic of the case was ruthlessly kicked out before the court saw the light of day. To this day, I am still arguing for my widow's murder and continuing to negotiate with the federal court to try to reopen the case. 其实从八七年来加到九五年我遗妻出事前，作为华人群体之一的我同样和绝大多数的华人一样，万事均抱一个 “忍”字以求息事宁人。虽对来自主流社会的歧视不公有所感受，却尚无实质上的感触。横祸天降，家破人亡由此而来的厄运连连令我饱尝了官僚及歧视造成的种种不公的苦果，从此使我不得不对华人传统的处事方法“忍”字诀产生怀疑。然而作为生活在社会底层既无权势又无地位的移民的我，又奈其何？ 由于这一切均发生在对语言文化极其敏感的魁省，而我偏偏又不会法语。正如其中一位网友说的，“在魁省不讲法语，指望靠英语向政府讨回公道实在是希望渺茫”。。。事实真是如此。何况我还是黄皮肤整天操着蹩脚英语的亚裔人？十年来，无论我如何抗争努力，由市府到魁省，由魁省到联邦；由报社到电台，又由电台到电视，结果还是处处碰壁。仅仅由蒙城的一家英文周报【HOURS】于九七年冒天下之大不韪将我的不公遭遇公布于世，只此而已。 事实上歧视和不公无处不在：无论就主流社会也好，即便少数族裔的社团之间亦罢。这便是为什么才到加国不久的我，尽管言语不通，还是定了“无论打工、做生意绝不涉足中国城”的原则。原因之一是八七年的蒙城，由于大陆移民寥寥无几，不通广东话的在中国城几乎寸步难行，由此遭遇白眼实在不算了什么大事；另外一个原因是本身亦不想把自己禁锢在狭隘的生活圈内；如果仅仅满足于此，那么出不出国本质上实在亦无什么大的区别。 当时的中国城已经竞争相当激烈，而绝大部分海外华人从事的生意无外乎餐馆和杂货零售两大项。即便不在唐人街，尚有一个普遍的现象是，当某个餐馆成功了，不久在其周围接二连三的开个一串企望从中分一杯残羹；其结果自然不言而喻了。恶性竞争招致而来的是不惜成本的相互杀价，结果在逼得资金匮乏的餐馆倒闭关门的同时，自己亦大伤元气。这些在九十年代多伦多和蒙城唐人街的龙虾大战便可见一斑。 与其在一棵树上吊死，何不另辟天地？这便是我不愿涉足中国城的另一个原因。故我的客人中很少有华裔客人，而当时亦很少与华人圈子交往。然而随着人生的变故交替，我又回到了华人社圈，使我有幸再次尝试海外华人社团的炎凉世故。 九一年因蒙城犹太医院的医生私下断了药物治疗令我父亲不幸去世，由此对我的心灵造成了很大的打击和压力。当时我的心理非常矛盾，虽意识到医生在我父亲的医疗上存在严重的赎职；但想想我父亲已属于肺癌晚期，生还渺茫。再则我的客人大部分都来自犹太医院，不然这么偏僻的小餐馆亦很难生存；因此在感情上也不想兴讼。想不到更有甚之的却再次发生在我遗妻的身上。。。 由于蒙城普济医院的医生无视我的要求，甚至违背头天当着我和我的亲友的面所作的承诺；在我完全不知情的情况下断然对我遗妻采取了“安乐死”。消息证实后的我犹如突然遭受了雷击，震骇得我一时怀疑是否真的生活在这个世人公认的人间天堂？猛然醒悟过来的我已经到了忍无可忍的地步，但生活中从未用过律师的我却一时又不知去哪里找。ENZA MARTUCCILLI 便是这样进入了我的生活并由此成了我生命中的一颗挥之不去的灾星。 如果当时的蒙城华人服务中心能就我唯一的请求帮助推荐一位律师；如果不是官僚的加国司法制度竟然让一个不称职的罚以社区公共服务的、靠诈骗营生的冒牌律师在蒙城基督教妇女青年会的法律援助部门为公众提供法律服务，按理说我的生活与其几乎没有什么可能相碰。大凡诈骗的都很容易掌握目标的心理弱点而施计得手，ENZA MARTUCCILLI 亦是。 试想面对一个口口声声以处于乳癌晚期仍常常为了正义帮助弱者而连药都买不起的穷律师来说，除了内疚、同情和怜悯之外还有什么可以做的？法律和司法知识的贫乏加上对加国的制度了解甚微及，更由于不幸丧妻之惨痛，非常情绪化的我很快便陷入了其圈套而无法自拔。。。有关细节包括某些网友对于为何我会出于援手帮助类似卑鄙小人何卿锐之流的质疑，详情将在以后的系列文章一一提及，以警后人。 就主流社会而言，对我的不幸遭遇了解较多的如 PROJECT GENESIS, ACTION AUTOLOMIE, HEAD & HANDS LEGAL CLINIC, QUEBEC OMBUDSMAN 等起先亦持怀疑态度；在没有见到我的证据和法庭文件之前，都以为我所陈述的种种不公犹如天方夜谭，不可思议。因为生活在主流社会的是很难有如此体会，更难信服这一切竟然发生在一个法制健全的社会；即便这一切偏偏都是事实。 直到得到我的社工证实并亲眼目睹我出示的证据和法庭的文本以后，一些机构才表示愿意声援并希望相关机构和政府部门予以重视，妥善解决。在多次协调不果的情况下，零二年 QUEBEC OMBUDSMAN 负责我的投诉的官员 FRANCE HUDON 和赵秀媚女士联系希望蒙城华人服务中心能就我的冤案伸以援手的同时，一再鼓励我重新回归华人社团寻求声援；于是便有了华人服务中心的声援书。 遗憾的是除了一封声援信之外，中心并没有提供任何实质性的帮助，连约好的和法律援助仲裁庭的听证会，华服中心的律师亦没有到会。结果让几位仲裁官们白白等了半小时之余，当然我的申辩肯定告吹了。也在同时，一位好心的朋友劝我不妨将我的不幸遭遇贴到蒙城华人网的论坛上供大家讨论。鉴于网上的反响和就我类似遭遇的反馈，由此我产生了希望有一个能真正为华人代言的团体的强烈愿望。 星期天的讨论会曾红火一时。与某某人士操办的文化节发生争执的一幕虽然令人寒心掉眉，但透过蒙城华人网论坛使我有缘得以和大家网上见面，更因此有幸结交了一些共鸣共识的朋友。目睹华人团体的“各人自扫门前雪”陋习所引发的负面效应，激发了尽自己的绵力为他人排难解忧提供方便的善举。写到此处，不由再次联想到了忠诚地产公司的张锦辉先生【注2】。华人互助联盟的因种种原因无疾而终，而本人的不幸遭遇上网以后亦遭到某些人的非议和曲解。何去何从？ 命运之神和我开了一个极大的玩笑，使我有幸领教并亲身经历体验了加国及魁省医疗、行政和司法的弱点弊病，厄运连连的煎熬令我生活在地狱一般，使我得以对人生价值观进行了一次次的反思。劫后重生，令我意识到仅仅停留在抱怨民族的劣根性是远远不够的，要想改变 “岂管他人瓦上霜” 民族之痼疾，事情必须得由自身做起，这便是为何虽华人互助联盟无疾而终我仍坚持为华人做一些力所能及的工作之初衷了。 我不是什么学者，亦没有什么高深的文化内涵。因此我所写的、所议论的根本无法登攀文人博士们的大雅之堂；然而作为少数族裔平民百姓中的一员，我的不平和感受，实在是出于社会最底层对于人为造成的不公现象的呐喊。我所努力的一切除了为我和我的家人之不幸鸣不平，更希望主流社会及政府司法有关机构部门能从我的不幸的感受中有所触动警觉，以免类似的悲剧再次重演，累及无辜。 尽管我的不幸和官僚歧视有很大关联，但是理想主义，感情处事，过于爱憎分明，这些弱点亦是令我厄运连连的另一个成因。今后的路怎么走？还是要写。透过为他人排难解忧及网上一些求助的信息的启发，决定除了将自身的遭遇经历付诸文字为他人作为借鉴之外，亦准备写一些有关社会现象方面的议论。较多感触的是商品社会产生的价值观所带来的家庭婚姻和危机，造成一些夫妻和家庭成员间互相猜疑，反目相向，因此今后的文章当然不免涉及到这方面的题材。 本以为我虽然在物质上没能处于上流，然在感情上堪称富有；但续弦不顾婚恋八年，更弃于和我共生的俩女与人私奔，令我仅剩的富有以丧失遗尽。从获知文学城网将【关于丈夫打妻的善后及其它】一文数次置顶，加国无忧网将【惜别】一文作为精选；到一封封求助邮件和一个个电话及蒙城华人网上的【USEFUL TELEPONE NUMBER FOR QUEBEC - CHINESE】包括刚刚在文学城建立的博客【珍惜人生，互助互爱】频频的点击率，为此续【惜别】后我亦会抽时间将我的婚恋的遭遇种种付诸文字以佑后人。 上帝【注3】是公平的。虽然金钱与我无缘，更在情爱婚恋上亦让我历经磨难打击重重，却成就了我的思维不曾有过的富有。感谢爱神的眷顾，令我能在多重打击之余仍能面对现实，坚持一步步的跋涉人生的一道道险滩，攀登一座座悬崖而不弃，相信九泉之下的遗妻倘若有知亦应该为此释怀了。 当然，我的写作如同孩儿学步，在文人墨客面前班门弄斧也着实汗颜；况且我的人生经历可以说是一个失败的过程，扪心自问有没有必要？思想再三，认为还是不该怯步。因为，在这商品化的社会，留下一些财富让自己的后代应急固然是重要的；不过最重要的是如果他们能从前人留下的的人生轨迹中得以借鉴，万事能做到三思而后行，这才是真正的财富。 该走的路还是很长，要做的事亦是很多。怎样才能找回人生价值而不至于虚度余生？在绝望中得以找回自我的我虽仍在作人生价值的探索，却已不再彷徨。能够不再成为金钱的奴隶，得以超脱并重新发现活着的意义，实在是我人生的不幸之大幸。虽然仍需为生活奋斗，却无须再为五斗米折腰，能因此面对琐事泰然处之，余生还有何求？至于我的一番议论竟与当今金钱第一的商品社会如此格格不入，亦不再重要，更无须顾及了。 祝有情人终成眷属，盼各个家庭父慈母爱，子女孝道；愿博爱眷顾每一阶层，让幸福仁慈常驻人间直到永远！
修改于2011年10月28日
【注1】 关于“遗妻”一词的释疑：“遗妻”一词纯属臆造，但由于感情上无法用“亡”字；就如我以英语写的【SAY GOODBYE】不愿使用“DIE”一词而用“PASSED AWAY”而取代一样。尽管我女儿多次为我指正，最后我之所以还是没有采用，其实还是由于感情上无法接受。
【注2】 关于张锦辉先生：张先生曾是热衷于为海外华人、留学生们提供帮助的热心人士，而八九民运中受其恩惠的更不乏其人。寒心的是，在张先生参加华总会竞选时，那些受其恩惠，拿到了移民纸的却作鸟兽散，均不知去了哪里？一气之下，张先生对求其帮助的后来人大发牢骚，“你们为什么不去找华服中心，华协会等那些领了政府资助的，却偏偏跑到这里来找我？”
【注3】 关于【惜别】一文中“上帝”一词的运用：其实“上帝”一词在这里只是泛指，之所以使用“上帝”一词仅仅是为了写作方便而已。虽然在共产主义统治下完成思想启蒙的我宗教意识相当模糊，但世代秉承笃信佛教的我还是以为佛教的理念较容易接纳。
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