伟丽-拥抱女性自我

给恬恬的一封信

你来问我:

“妈妈，人生要做什么，我正在努力寻找自己的人生目标。如果我坚持做一件事，就一定做得很好，但是兴趣总在变! 我不知道自己唯一的目标应该是什么!”

于是我从正在看的《回忆录的艺术》中抬起了头，感觉到了你的沮丧。这样的时刻，你只是需要我为你创造疗愈空间，所以我微笑着倾听。

我人生的目的是什么，这个问题也困扰我很多年。

明天，1 月 2 日，你就 15 岁了。

50 岁的前一天，我在日记中写道：

“这一整年我一直在寻求明确的答案。一生使命的清晰，来到地球生活的目的，50岁时的清晰。我以为50岁意味着头脑清醒。中国有句古话: 五十岁知天命。然而，我发现答案明确并不是一个目的，而是一个持续的过程。当有一件事需要明确……然后基于刚刚得到的明确，下一件事就会滚滚而来……清晰的答案彷佛从眼睛上拉下一层层雾气……它是你的朋友。当你清晰时，生活中的任何事情，特别是小事情，不会再对你有太大影响了。当你有意识地寻找时，清晰才会来临。所以静下心来，倾听你的内心和内在的智慧。当内心平静不受干扰时，外部世界就无关紧要了。”

也许我不仅为自己，也为你写的？15 岁或 50 岁，我们都被同一个问题而吸引。

你不是一个物质主义的女孩，希望这有我的功劳。

尽管我不是一个非常在乎物质的人，但当我阅读近藤麻理惠的《怦然心动的人生整理魔法》时，我仍然震惊于自己几十年来积累的衣服、包、鞋子或物品的数量，花了几个月的时间和泪水才切断了这些联系。而当你做这些时，简直是光速。任何不带来快乐的东西都会被你放下，毫不犹豫。

也许我需要体验华丽的魅力，才能摆脱物质的束缚。而你呢，从出生起就是个极简主义者?

我总是知道给你准备什么生日礼物，因为你让一切变得简单。当你还是个小女孩，你就喜欢书。从四年级开始，你所有的朋友都知道什么能让你开心，那就是巴尼斯诺伯（Barnes and Noble）的礼品卡。

今年新冠疫情期间，我们家收到了当地图书馆寄来的数百本书。每当我听到你兴奋地尖叫，就知道又有一波快递到了。

在你15岁生日那天，你只希望家人和朋友送你智慧之言。

对于一个每周读一本书的女孩，我可以给你什么建议？好吧，让我尝试一下：

生活不仅仅是工作、使命和改变世界。生活就是活出你的热情。

很多年前，我开车在高速公路上,去离市区两小时车程的诊所，我的老板问我多大了。

“27”。

“只有27 岁?”

我不明白她那是什么意思，但看了我一眼后，她继续说：“我的意思是你已经取得了如此大的成就，而你才 27 岁？”

就在我松了一口气，甚至有点自豪的时候，她补充说，“你需要有自己的生活”。

什么？其实我没有大声说出来，但我上挑的眉毛一定已经说出了这个问题！

“我的意思是你一直在工作。”

现在，这听起来真的不像是恭维了。坦率地说，我感到惊讶、失望，还有点失落。努力工作是一种美德，已流淌在我的血液里。

同一周，一位资深同事告诉我“放慢脚步，闻闻玫瑰花香”。

当时我觉得他们这么说很容易，因为他们有条件。他们可以负担得起放慢速度。现在我也有同样的条件，但我发现自己工作得更努力了。

以前，工作是为了生存。现在，工作是有目标的，工作已成为一种热情，而非义务。

当我早上 5 点起床写作时，我正闻着早晨的玫瑰花香。

让你的热情成为玫瑰的芬芳。你的热情可能随着时间而改变，这完全没问题。谁说你的玫瑰园仅限特定的大小、形状、颜色或香味？

生活的秘诀在于给予。首先给予自己。

你是一个给予者，但记得先给予自己。当你用空杯子给予时，怨恨会像毒药一样滋长。作为女性，我们经常首先给予、喂养和养育他人，并不断地给予，直到匮乏。这在我的母亲，你的外祖母身上看到了这一点。当她开始允许自己接受时，她变得更快乐，周围的人都受益。看见这样的转变真是美妙！

不要试图取悦别人。

你希望每个人都快乐，但你永远无法取悦所有人。到头来，你累了，人家依然觉得不满足甚至受伤。让自己以外的任何人快乐从来都不是你的责任。不是每个人都像你一样思考，所以不要评判他们。不要试图改变他们。顺其自然吧。之前我自己就是个讨好别人的人。虽然我很坚强独立，但我希望每个人都喜欢我。现在我知道这是不可能的。

开心地去约会，了解男孩。

我真不敢相信我会这么说。当你五岁的时候，我向其他亚裔妈妈征求意见，她们告诉我：“高中不要谈恋爱”、“太戏剧化”、“学习是首要任务”。当时我很担心，但现在我的看法已经改变了。作为一个成熟的年轻女孩，谁说你不能两者兼顾？

你很幸运能出生在这个自由的国度。所以享受15岁的快乐吧。

当你和男孩子在一起的时候，记得做你自己。他们和你一样紧张，也想找到自己的方式。即使你认为他们不知道自己在做什么，请善待他们。

清楚地说出你的愿望。告诉他们你想要什么，什么让你快乐。不要让他们猜测。否则他们的工作量太大，浪费精力。

不要试图改变它们。你是他的女朋友，不是他的妈妈。

无论你去哪里都要拍照和写日记，值得过的生活就值得记录。

当我现在正在写回忆录时，我希望我早年能多写些日记。

幸运的是，过去几年我微信上发布了很多照片。

恬恬，你是个作家。当你试图回忆那些神奇的时刻时，写下日期和事件会对你很有帮助。社交媒体不一定要消耗我们的精力。它可以作为我们记录事件的地方。

做真实的自己。

你知道，在这个时代，一切都会被沉淀和照亮。保持真实和真诚比以往任何时候都更重要——要勇敢！我知道你已拥有这个美德。

我们是具有尘世经验的灵魂。你的灵魂选择了我们作为你这一生的家人。家人的爱将是你最坚强的后盾，你可以依靠我们做任何事情。

妈妈爱你恬恬！

祝地球上最了不起的15岁女孩生日快乐!

传递给大家满满的爱

You came to me:

“I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. I am trying to find my life purpose. I know if I stick to one thing I can get really good, but my interests always change! I don’t know what my one purpose should be!”

I looked up from the book I’m reading, The Art of Memoir, sensing that you are frustrated. I know a moment like this, you just want me to hold space for you, so I smile and listen.

……………………

What is the purpose of my life, I myself have also asked that question for many years.

Tomorrow, January 2nd, you will be 15.

The day before turning 50, I wrote in my journal:

“This whole year I have been seeking clarity.  Clarity of my life’s mission, clarity of my purpose on earth, clarity of coming to age 50.  I thought 50 means an age of having clarity.  Ancient Chinese proverb:  You will know your destiny at the age of 50.  Yet I have found getting clarity is not a destination but an ongoing process. One thing comes that needs clarity… then the next thing rolls in based on the clarity you just received…. Getting clarity is like pulling layers of fog away from your eyes… Clarity is your friend. When you have clarity, nothing in life, especially the small stuff, will matter much to you anymore.  Clarity only comes when you are looking for it intentionally. So be still, listen to your heart and inner wisdom. When your inner peace is undisturbed, your outer world is irrelevant.”

Maybe I wrote that for me and for you? 15 or 50, we are drawn to the same quest.

You are not a materialistic girl. I wish that I could take the credit. 

Though I am not one who cares much about materials, I was still shocked by how many pieces of clothing, bags, shoes, or things that I had accumulated over the decades when I started with Marie Kondo’s “Joy of Tidiness.” It took months and tears to cut ties. When you did yours, it was at the speed of light.  Anything that doesn’t provide Joy, goes.  No strings attached.

Maybe I needed to experience fancy glamour to let go of my material chokehold. But you, on the other hand, a minimalist from birth?

I always know what to get you for your birthday. You make it easy.  Ever since you were a little girl, you have loved books.  From 4th grade and on, all your friends already learned what makes you happy is a Barnes and Noble gift card.

This year of COVID, hundreds of books came to our home from the local library. When I hear you screaming with excitement, I know another delivery has just arrived.

For your 15th birthday, you asked family and friends to gift you only words of wisdom. 

For a girl who reads at the speed of one book a week, what advice would I give you?  Well, at least I will try:

1. Life is not ALL about work, mission, and changing the world. Life is about living your passion.

Many years ago, driving on the highway to a clinic two hours from our city, my boss asked me how old I was.  

“27.”

“Only 27?”

I didn’t know what she meant by that but after one look at my face, she continued: “I meant you have accomplished so much and you are only 27?”

Just as I was exhaling with relief, maybe even a little pride, she added, “You need to get a life”. 

What? I didn’t actually say it aloud, but my eyebrow must have raised that question!

“I mean you work all the time.” 

Now, it really didn’t sound like a compliment anymore. I was frankly surprised, disappointed and a little lost. Working hard is a virtue that was instilled in my blood.

In the same week, a senior coworker told me to “slow down and smell the roses.”

At that time, I thought it was easy for them to say because they have the means. They can afford to slow down. Now I have the same means, yet I find myself working even harder. 

Before, work was for survival. Now, work is for a purpose.

Work has become a passion, not an obligation. 

When I get up at 5 am to write, I AM smelling my morning roses.

Make your passion the fragrance of your roses. Your passion could change over time and it is completely okay. Who said your rose garden is limited to a certain size, shape, color or fragrance?

2. The secret of living is giving.  Give to yourself first.

You are a giver but remember to give to yourself first. When you are giving from an empty cup, resentment can grow like poison. As women, we often give, feed, and nurture others first and keep on giving until we are empty. I have seen that in my own mother, your grandmother. When she starts to allow herself to receive, she becomes a much happier person, and everyone around her benefits. The transformation is beautiful to see.

3. Don’t try to please people. 

You want everyone to be happy but you can never please everyone. In the end, you are exhausted and people still feel hurt.  It is never your duty to make anyone other than yourself happy.  Not everyone thinks like you, so don’t judge them. Don’t try to change them. Just let it be. I was a people pleaser myself. Though I am strong and independent, I wanted everyone to like me. But I learned it was an impossible task.

4. Date, have fun and learn about boys. 

I can’t believe that I am saying this. When you were 5, I asked advice from other Asian mothers and they told me: “No dating in high school”, “Too much drama”, “Studying is the primary role of a student”. I was concerned too but my view now has changed.  As a mature young lady, who says you can’t do both? 

When I was 15, by the administrative ruling, kids were not permitted to date in China. Brave highschoolers dated underground and risked the consequence of being expelled.

You are blessed to be born in this free country. So have fun being 15.

Just remember to be yourself when you are with boys. They are just as nervous and trying to figure out their path as well. Be kind to them even if you think they don’t know what the hell they are doing. 

Speak your desires clearly.  Tell them what you want and what makes you happy.  Don’t make them guess. It is too much work and a waste of energy.

Don’t try to change them. You are a girlfriend, not his mother.

5. Take pictures everywhere you go.  And journal.  A life worth living is worth writing.

As I am writing my memoir now, I wish that I had journaled more in my earlier years.

Luckily I posted lots of photos on WeChat, Chinese social media, while I was there for the past few years.

You are a writer.  It will be helpful with dates and events when you are trying to recall those magical moments.  Social media doesn’t have to consume us. It can serve as a place for recording events.

6. Stay true to yourself.

You are aware in this day and time, everything is filtered and brightened. It is more important than ever to stay true and authentic — be COURAGEOUS! And I know that you have it within you. 

We are souls having an earthly experience. Your soul has chosen us to be your family in this lifetime. Our family’s love will be your strongest backbone. You know that you can always count on us for anything. 

I love you, Serena. Happy Birthday to the most awesome 15-year-old on the planet!