爱自己是爱孩子的源头
伟丽-拥抱女性自我 (2023-03-22 17:58:55) 评论 (0)
在新冠期间，孩子们整天在家，让许多父母的压力变得更大。 因此，这就是为什么两位了不起的雅典娜姐妹圈天使－达娜和克里斯汀，今晚开始一个新项目：雅典娜--父母与青少年的连接！！！ 我们好兴奋！！
我也有一个正处于青春期的孩子 – 14岁的恬恬。今天她开玩笑地说，自己应该是雅典娜姐妹会的联合创始人。因为如果她没有生病，雅典娜姐妹会就不会在2020年3月14日，新冠流行病期间诞生!!
这确是事实。 我们在她的床上一起大笑，脑袋靠在枕头上，脚趾头缩在毯子里。
可是我们的关系并不总是如此亲密。
决定性时刻发生在她对我说出的三个字，每个母亲都非常害怕听到这三个字……
那年恬恬快三岁了， 我不记得她做了什么“不恰当的行为”，但我记得让她待在自己的房间里安静2 分钟。 作为一名行为心理学家，我当时认为自己做的很好，因为严格分析并遵循了教育规则。
结果她声嘶力竭地尖叫着，我心里默默地祈祷她能安静下来。
最后，她做到了。 以 10 秒的冷静释放原则，我转动了一直握在手里的门把手。 恬恬直愣愣的盯着我的眼睛，哭着说出了三个字：“我恨你！”
作为一个母亲，那一刻对我来说就像被判了死刑。那天晚上，我回到自己的房间哭了起来。
在她到来之前的很多年里，我一直祈祷能有一个孩子，“我愿意做任何事，请求你，请求你，让我做妈妈吧。” 但是所有的祈祷并没有让我为这三个字做好准备。 她怎么会恨我？ 我爱她！
事实上，随着恬恬长大并开始形成自己的观点，我很难与她建立联系。
于是我开始自己的治愈之旅后，才意识到与女儿的关系是我和自己的妈妈关系的反映。随着这段旅程深入我的内心，才开始意识到一个事实:为了治愈我和妈妈的关系，我必须首先治愈我和自己的关系。
我开始怀疑，恬恬的“我恨你！”有没有可能？ 仅仅是我内心状态的反映？
我爱我的女儿，但只是有条件地爱她。如果她表现得“好”，我会很开心，用爱浇灌她。如果她的行为违背了“良好的标准”，我的爱就会消失，取而代之的是后果和惩罚。
这三个字，“我恨你！”让我醒来，深入我的灵魂，寻找无条件的爱的意义。
我意识到我不仅在评判我的女儿和我的妈妈，而且我也在不断地评判我自己。
我不够好。我不觉得自己是个好妈妈!! 我深深自责。
我不知道如何无条件地、不加评判地爱自己。因此，我也不能无条件地爱我的女儿。
恬恬说的这三个字让我发现爱是从爱自己开始的。当我们对自己充满爱时，我们的爱就会流到家人、朋友和世界。
如果我们没有爱自己，那么深爱的基础就不存在了！！
因此，当我兴奋地写信与您分享新的“雅典娜--父母与青少年的连接”项目时，也诚恳地邀请您审视自己，更加爱美丽的自己，这样您将与您的孩子建立更深层次的连接！
祝您度过一个愉快美好的一天！
传递给大家满满的爱
伟丽
Now during COVID-19, many parents are stressed out even more with their teenagers being home all day. Understandable. That is why two amazing Athena’s Angels, Dana and Christine, are stepping up to lead a new program starting tonight: Athena’s Parent-Teen Connection!!! And we are so excited!!
I have a teenager at home. Serena is 14. Today she was just joking that she should be the co-founder of Athena Sisterhood because without her getting sick, Athena Sisterhood would not have been born on 3/14/2020, in the midst of COVID!!
True. We laughed together on her bed. Pillows behind our heads and a blanket stretched across our toes.
But our relationship has not always been this close.
The defining moment of our relationship happened when she said three words every mom dreads to hear...
Serena was almost three that year. I don’t remember exactly the “misbehavior”, but I remember putting her in a 2-minute timeout in her room. As a Behavioral Psychologist, I followed the task analysis and thought I was doing a good job.
She was screaming on top of her lungs as I secretly prayed for her to please calm down.
Finally, she did. With a 10-seconds calmness release criteria, I turned the door handle that I was holding. She looked me straight in the eye and cried: “I HATE YOU!”
As a mom, that moment was a near-death sentence to me. Later that night, I went to my room and cried.
For years before her arrival, I prayed to have a baby, “I am willing to do anything. Please, please, let me be a mom.” But all the prayers didn’t prepare me for those three words. How could she hate me? I love her!
The truth was, I had a very difficult time connecting with Serena as she grew older and started to develop her own opinions.
Only after my own healing journey started, did I realize my relationship with my daughter was a reflection of my own relationship with my mom. As the journey went deeper inside me, I began to awaken to the fact that in order to heal my relationship with my mom, I must first heal my relationship with myself.
I started to question, was it possible that Serena’s “I hate you!” was merely the reflection of my inner state?
I love my daughter, but I loved her only conditionally. If she behaved in a certain way that ‘was good’, I was happy and showered her with love. If she behaved against the ‘good standard’, my love was removed, replaced with consequences and punishment.
It took those three words, “I HATE YOU!,” for me to wake up and look deep into my soul and search for the meaning of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
I realized that I not only judged my daughter and my mom, but I also judged myself constantly.
I wasn’t good enough. I DIDN’T FEEL THAT I WAS A GOOD MOM!!! My worst critic was myself.
I didn’t know how to love myself unconditionally, without judgment. So as a result, I couldn’t love my daughter unconditionally either.
Serena’s three words led me to discover that LOVE starts from within. When we feel so full with love for ourselves, our love will radiate out to our family, friends and the world.
If we don’t have inner love, then the foundation of deep love is just not there!!
So as I am writing excitedly to share with you the new “Athena’s Parent-Teen Connection” program, I also invite you to look within, love your beautiful self even more and you will be rewarded with deeper connections with your teen!
Have a Grand and Beautiful day.
Love,
WeiLi ?
伟丽-拥抱女性自我