伟丽-拥抱女性自我

卧病在床两天了，什么也没写。

从没想过自己会说这样的话，“我想念写作。”

在过去的十二个月里，写回忆录是一个令人精疲力竭的过程。最初的三个月里，写下了那些痛苦的时刻，让我流泪，感动，甚至恐惧和疑惑，但这是一种治愈。

尽管如此，夜以继日的写作还是让人精神疲惫。我想把这事完成。然而，没有人能帮我编辑我的故事。这是属于我的生活和故事。假如我不拥有它，还有谁会拥有它？既然这样，继续吧。

又过了半年，就在送给编辑反馈之前，心里有个声音说:“不，这本书还没写好。少了点什么。”我听从了内心声音，把它收了回来。又一轮编辑开始了。

“要有耐心。”锡源说, “天生我材必有用。 你的天赋不会被浪费。”

我的写作老师说过：“著书是一场马拉松，不是短跑。” 现在我确信她是对的。

那么，为什么想念写作呢？因为它给予我巨大的自由体验。我想念释放自己的感觉。那是一种放手并不加评判地写下任何想到的东西。这种自由是给予自己的珍贵礼物。

2022 年最期待的是继续发展这份天赋，写作并分享。 值得过的人生，就是值得记录的人生。 我期待着创造又一个充满大大小小神奇时刻的一年。

我也期待着加深与登登的关系，并庆祝作为他的妈妈的升级版本。

“恬恬长大后会为社会做出巨大贡献的，”我说。

“我想我们的两个孩子都会的，”锡源说。

“你是对的。”我确定，这是我在2022年最期待的。

最重要的是，我期待看到儿子成长为一个快乐成熟的13岁孩子，不管对于一个青少年来说成熟是什么样子。今年对他来说是关键的一年。到目前为止，像坐过山车一样。有些日子他是一个很棒的孩子，有些日子我觉得他戴着一个反面角色的面具。你如何去爱一个一点也不可爱的人呢?

我所感受到的不尊重、伤害、挫败和无力感比生命中其他事情都要大，使得他成为我一生中最大的老师。

2022年1月3日，晚上9:30，又一场争吵后，我和锡源坐在餐桌旁，都感到失望。锡源是一位非常棒的父亲。“分享智慧”经常被他搁置一旁—他和登登一起玩来福枪、踢足球和学习电子游戏，这让登登会兴奋地尖叫。即使这样的爸爸，有时也会失去耐心。

“我是一名行为分析师。为什么一提到登登我就忘了受过的专业训练？我们需要对非原则性的不良行为使用计划性忽视，无论它使我们如何抓狂。”我抬起头，微笑着说出这句话。

第二天它起作用了。

登登来到我的生命之前，两年不孕不育。我想告诉登登:“宝贝，妈妈一生都在为你的到来做准备。你完全值得我每一分钟的等待。”

因为我知道一旦掌握了如何做登登母亲的艺术，宇宙就会为我打开另一扇门。解锁做他的妈妈的艺术就是让我成为一个更好的人。一个更有耐心和爱心的妈妈。这是我最期待的！

传递给大家满满的爱 

伟丽

Sick in bed for two days, I haven’t written anything.

I never guessed I would say something like this, “I miss writing.” 

Writing my memoir has been a grueling process in the last twelve months. The initial three months of writing down the raw moments triggered tears, tender emotions, even fears and uncertainty, yet it was healing.

Still, the day and night writing brought on mental exhaustion. I wanted it to be done with. Then, I found out no one can edit my story as well as I can.  It is my life, my story.  If I don’t own it, who else will? With that, I carried on.  

Another six months passed by, just before giving it to pre-readers for feedback, a voice in my heart said: “No, this book is not ready yet. Something is missing.” I listened to my heart and pulled it back. Another round of editing started. 

“Be patient.” Samuel said.

“TianShenWoCaiBiYouYong. Your God-given gift will not be wasted.”

My writing teacher said, “Writing a book is a marathon, not a sprint.” Now I know she is right.

So why did I miss writing? Writing provides a tremendous freeing experience. I miss the feeling of freeing myself. It is the feeling of letting go and downloading whatever comes to mind with no judgment. This kind of freedom is only one can give to oneself as a precious gift.

In 2022, I am most looking forward to continuing to grow my gift, to write and to share. A life worth living is one worth recording. I look forward to creating another year made of magical moments, big and small.

I am also looking forward to is deepening my relationship with Norden and celebrating a better version of me, as his mom. 

“I think Serena will contribute greatly to society when she grows up,” I said.

“I think both our children will,” Samuel said.

“I think you are right.” I agreed. And that is what I am most looking forward to in 2022. 

More than anything in the world, I am most looking forward to watching my son grow into a happy and maturing 13-year old, however maturing looks like for a teenager. This year will be a critical year for him. So far it has been a rollercoaster ride. Some days he is a wonderful child, other days I feel like he’s wearing a different mask with a completely opposite personality. How do you love someone who is just so not lovable at the moment?

The disrespect, hurt, frustration and sense of powerlessness I felt was way bigger than anything else in my life, making him my biggest teacher in this lifetime. 

1/3/2022, 9:30 pm, after another fight, I sat down at the dinner table with Samuel, both feeling defeated. Samuel is such a wonderful father. Wisdom sharing—which often gets pushed aside—he plays with Norden with nerf guns, soccer and learning video games making Norden shriek with excitement. Even a papa like that loses his patience sometimes.

“I am a behavior analyst. Why do I always forget my professional training when it comes to Norden? We need to use Planned Ignoring for minor inappropriate behaviors no matter how it drives us nuts.” I looked up and smiled as those words came out. 

It worked the next day. 

It was two years of infertility before Norden came. I want to tell Norden, “Baby, Mom has been preparing all my life for your arrival. And you are totally worth each minute of the wait.” 

I know once I master the art of being a mom to Norden, the universe will open another door for me. To master the art of being a mom to him is to grow me to be a better human being. A more patient and more loving Mom. I am most looking forward to that!