贾平凸 名博

这个系列的前八篇：

College Essay系列（四十六）：2024 哈佛成功文书（1）

College Essay系列（四十七）：2024 哈佛成功文书（2）

College Essay系列（四十八）：2024 哈佛成功文书（3）

College Essay系列（四十九）：2024 哈佛成功文书（4）

College Essay系列（ 五十 ） ： 2024 哈佛成功文书（5）

College Essay系列（五十一）：2024 哈佛成功文书（6）

College Essay系列（五十二）：2024 哈佛成功文书（7）

College Essay系列（五十三）：2024 哈佛成功文书（8）

今天说第九篇，Billy 的《Planned Uncertainty》

As I rode up and down the gentle slopes of the Peabody skatepark, I watched my younger brother race down from the highest point on the halfpipe and fly past me at the speed of light. I wish I could do that, I thought, eyeing the enormous curve that towered over me. But I didn’t dare make my way up to the top. Instead, I stuck with the routine I was comfortable with, avoiding the steep inclines at all costs.

Each week during the summer before my fourth grade year, my brother and I would visit that same skatepark, and I would take my mini-BMX bike to the bottom of that monstrous ramp, ready to attack the giant. I started off low reaching only a quarter of the way up at first, too scared to go any higher. But each week, I gained more confidence and kept reaching greater heights. Halfway there, two-thirds, three quarters. Until finally, I mustered up enough courage to complete my final challenge.

With my brother’s shouts of joy ringing in my ears, it seemed as though the concrete mass was calling my name, drawing me closer and closer, until I couldn’t resist its pleading any further. I walked my bike up the stairs and approached the steep drop off. My hands started to sweat and my legs began to shake as I inched toward the edge, staring in the face of doom. Finally at the lip of the ramp, I paused briefly, took a deep breath, and moved forward just enough to send myself speeding downwards. I couldn’t contain my excitement as my, “Woooo!” echoed around the park. I had finally ridden down the tallest ramp!

Throughout my life I have enjoyed having a plan and being in control. When working in a group, I make sure that everyone knows exactly which aspect of the project they will complete. I organize all my homework in a planner so that I never miss a due date. Each night, I outline my schedule for the following day so that I know what meetings, sports events, and other activities I have to attend. When I visited New York City over the summer, I prepared a detailed itinerary to follow. Rarely is there a day when I don’t have a general idea of what I’m going to do, but sometimes my plan doesn’t correlate with how the day truly plays out.

Over the years, I have learned to adapt when situations take an unexpected turn, and, similar to that time at the skatepark, I have been able to step out of my comfort zone more often. It isn’t the end of the world when things don’t go exactly as planned; often times, sudden changes and new experiences make for a more enjoyable and interesting time. As much as I enjoy a strict itinerary, some of my best nights have begun by hopping in the car with my friends, picking a direction, and going wherever the wind takes us. As hard as I try to plan out my day, an unforeseen event is almost inevitable. Although this can bring about some stress, scrambling around to figure things out is not only an essential skill, but can be a fun challenge, too.

I can’t imagine a completely organized life without a little uncertainty. Unexpected circumstances are bound to occur, and making the most of them is one of my favorite parts of life. Regardless of how much I love having a plan, my flexibility and willingness to step out of my comfort zone is something I have and will always take pride in.

这又是一个传统常见的喻式文书。以Biking 为载体，表达自己的个性特点：plan yet embrace uncertainty。开篇给读者呈现一个在Peabody Statepark里Biking 时的 Inability场景。1/2、2/3、3/4，final step，一步步完成对biking ramp的征服。这是第一个plan。

接着的是group project、NYC trip的plans给出这项个人素质的更多例证，并总结plan，然后引出plan之外偶尔的uncertainty。第六段，用整一段话来描写这个偶尔的现象。这本是全篇文书的精华之处，但作者的笔头功力不足，文字上流于抽象了。如果能给出具体的例子，或者呼应一下前面的Biking经验，就会时一篇更好的文书了。

这一篇non-hook文书，考虑到以上两点，我能给的分数是B-。

【凸某总结哈佛系列2024】

这个系列应该是十篇，但规定的八月刊出时节，Crimson只有九篇。整体上来看，《2024》的文书选择，看得出2024年6月的哈佛招生心态继续着2023年的故事主题。DEI、URM、Immigrant，这些仍然是2024年哈佛招生的主诉价值。其中，Queerness在DEI中的比例继去年增加后，今年维持在20-30%的水平。新移民的比例则一直维持在20%的水平。URM的比例仍然是10%。剩下的non-hook，是middle class的主打曲，则是20-30%。

有人可能觉得，我这样来理解招生比例是武断的，甚至无端。但我所讲的，是哈佛招生办的潜意识层的价值判断。要是他们把non-hook的样本文书突然提高到4-5篇，那我才可能改变这个判断。我的判断和量化，都是数据所依的。依据不充分和没有依据是两个概念。

2023年8月，在经过高法判决后的一个月里，哈佛招生很显然经过了一个调整转向期。选出的文书，文字质量并不如2022以前。但是经过一年后，2024每篇文书故事，我不仅清晰地看到 equality和justice，而且文字的质量正在涨回到2022以前的水平。

这说明的，是有hook的申请者都学会了写作？还是会写作的申请者都学会了找hook？欣赏文书这么多年，我更相信后一种判断。

【后记】

Crimson后来贴出的第十篇文书，是Michael的《Home Alone》。这是一篇典型的Hook文。至于文字质量我就不评了。贴在这里，大家就自己来仁者见韧，智者见痔吧。

第十篇，Michael 的《Home Alone》

I’ve been alone for three years now.

My freshman year, my mother had to take a job as a live-in caregiver to make enough money to pay rent and other bills after my uncle got married and moved out. I was ecstatic. I could finally have the entire house to myself. I had imagined the countless hours on the PS4, nobody telling me to go to sleep or to go do my homework. I felt free. Unexpectedly, though, this freedom came at the expense of my childhood.

To compensate for never being home, my mother called me three times a day. The first call would always be at 6:00 a.m, like clockwork. That was the call to wake me up so that I wouldn’t miss the bus and be late for school. Then there was the 4:00 p.m call where we went over anything and everything that happened in school that day. Lastly, there was the 7:00 p.m call which always seemed to last over an hour. This was the call that made me miss my mother the most. We labeled this call the “multi-purpose” call. Sometimes we would just talk about how we were both doing. Other times she would teach me things I needed to know, like how to do laundry, how to go grocery shopping, or how to cook. But one thing that she always seemed to bring up was how she wished things were different and how much she ached with the desire to be home with her son.

That last call always weighed heavily on my heart. When around friends and their families, I would often put my head down and smile because their interactions would remind me so much of when my mother was with me every day. It made me miss her insurmountably, to the point where I began to despise every aspect of this “independence.” To me, it was loneliness, isolation, and nights laying in bed wishing I had a loved one in the house that I could talk to or hug. I was forced to become a man instead of living out my days as a kid. What hurt me the most, though, was knowing that my mother hated our situation even more than I did. She hated knowing her only child was growing up without her and it hurt her more than words could explain. She would always say how I was her pride and joy, but I’ve always thought of myself to be her hope, her hope for a better life.

That is why I have worked so hard in school. My mother has dedicated and sacrificed years of her life to make sure that her son could live a great one, and all she has ever asked from me in return was to do well in school. There were numerous times when I felt discouraged and unmotivated, but the thought of letting down the woman that has broken her back for me was far stronger than any fatigue I may have felt.

For three long years now, I have entered my house after school expecting nothing but silence and darkness. I lay in bed at night yearning to hear any sound at all that would signal that there was life in the house beside me. Then I wake up the next morning, get ready for school, and start the cycle all over again. I have almost gotten used to being alone. But I won’t let my story end here. The reason why I have worked myself so hard is so that things can be different for me and my mother. She always says that everything she’s doing now is for me and that when she gets old it’ll be my turn. Except when my turn comes, she will never have to be alone.