10 Secrets Of Happy Marriages

今天闲来无事，我翻看本期4月份的读者文摘《Reader’sDigest》，读到一篇文章10Secrets Of Happy Marriages，它提到加拿大38%的婚姻以离婚结束，美国有近50%的婚姻最后解体。该文由加拿大著名婚恋专家PaulBenedetti撰写，他提出如何经营幸福婚姻的10点秘密。

10 things marriage counsellors want you to know

Heed the advice of some of Canada's top relationshipexperts for a happier, healthier marriage.

By Paul Benedetti

This article was first printed in the April 2009issue of Homemakers Magazine.

Relationships 101

Imagine that you have to learn how to drive a car bywatching people drive on TV.

You also get to watch your parents drive, and yousit in the car while friends drive. Then imagine that after a few months ofthis, you take your car onto a four-lane highway for the longest trip of yourlife. Pretty crazy, right?

Well, that's how most people approach marriage, saysDr. Guy Grenier, a clinical psychologist and marital therapist in London, Ont.And the results are about as bad as you might expect. In Canada, 38 per cent ofmarriages end in divorce. (It's almost 50 per cent in the United States.) Butit doesn't have to be that way. Dr. Grenier, who has worked with couples formore than 20 years, says that with a bit more preparation and education, wecould save thousands of marriages -- and a lot of money.

The truth about divorce
Divorce costs Canadians billions of dollarsin lawyer's fees and real estate swaps, not to mention the psychologicalfallout for both parents and children. "We could drop the divorce ratefrom 40 per cent to 20 per cent by insisting that for two years every highschool student learn 'relationships,'" says Dr. Grenier.

Unfortunately, he says, no such course exists. Sohere's the Coles Notes version that any married couple, or anyone consideringgetting married, can use. (Don't cram! You have the rest of your life to workon this.)

1. There's no such thing as Mr. or Ms. Rightfor you...
...at least, not in the sense that if you "just find the right person, itwill all work out," says Paul Beckow, a marriage counsellor and newspapercolumnist in Victoria. Good relationships don't just happen. They're the resultof work. "Couples are really surprised when they find that there areconflicts and differences, disappointments and hurts. But they're all part ofthe journey, part of the work of being in a relationship."

The advice? After the romance, be prepared to do thework. "We have to sort out real things in real life," says Beckow,who has counselled couples for more than two decades. He sees a relationship asa journey -- a dynamic, challenging opportunity for people. "Arelationship is an ongoing laboratory for learning and development," saysBeckow. He knows: he has been with his wife, Frani, for 34 years. Beckow saysthe key is that you have to be ready to work at exploring and investigatingyour differences.

2. Talk isn't cheap: it's your most valuableinvestment.
Good, regular communication is the key to a goodmarriage. Peter Evans, a registered couples and family therapist in Hamilton,says talking creates connection, empathy and intimacy. "My parents had aritual when my dad came home from work," he says. "They would sitdown with a cup of tea or a glass of sherry and talk to each other, justchitchat about the day."

3. A relationship is like a car: you need tochange the oil every three months.
Have the "How are we doing?" conversation every three months, nomatter how long you have been married. Why? Because regularly addressing issuesor grievances means you head off trouble before the problem becomes entrenchedor insurmountable. "Put it on the calendar. Make time. And ask thequestion with courage," says Dr. Grenier, who is also the author of The10 Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married (And How to Have Them)(Key Porter, 2007). "There's nothing better you are ever going to do foryour relationship," he says.

4. Being emotional is better than beingrational.
A common communication myth is that you should "stick to the facts"rather than talk about how you feel. But relationships aren't built on what happensas much as they're based on feelings. "Don't ignore the facts, but startwith the feelings," says Dr. Grenier. "Talk about how you feel: ‘Thisis what I fear, this is what I'm worried about, this is what I want, this iswhat hurt my feelings,' and then go to the facts." Remember, relationshipsare by their nature emotional, not rational, so don't build a business casewith facts and figures -- focus on your feelings and the rest will follow.

5. No one "wins" unless you bothdo.
If it's about feelings, then nobody's right -- or wrong. It's a conversation,not a fight, so stop trying to win. Beckow learned this in his own life when herealized that he was very good at making arguments that negated his wife'spoints. "But I had an awareness that every time I proved her 'wrong,' Ididn't win anything."

A great example of this is fighting over division oflabour in the home and how tidy a house needs to be. Dr. Grenier notes thatsome people like organization, while others don't mind a bit of clutter. Itdoesn't mean some are right while others are wrong, or that someone has to"win" -- just that they have different preferences, he explains.

Evans gives his couples a simple maxim: "Whenyou are into a win-lose pattern, you are both going to lose."

6. How you feel is up to you.
"There is probably nothing more important in a relationship than the artof making yourself happy," says Beckow. Some people expect their spouse tofill in their shortcomings, to meet all their needs or heal their wounds. Butwhen that does not happen, they feel disappointed and angry. Instead, it'shealthier -- for both partners -- to recognize that they must learn the art oftaking care of themselves.

How? Take responsibility for your own thoughts andfeelings. In some ways this has little to do with your partner, says Beckow.Instead of blaming others for how you feel ("You make me so mad" or"Your lateness upsets me"), realize that how you feel is up to you.You can choose to be angry or annoyed, or you can choose not to be. It's notwhat happens, it's what you make it mean.

Reva Seth, author of First Comes Marriage(Fireside, 2008), a book about lessons anyone can learn from arranged marriages, agrees."Women in arranged marriages have a much better sense of owning their ownhappiness...and assuming responsibility for meeting their own needs," shesays. She recommends developing a life beyond your partner: play bridge, gohiking, join a book club, cultivate friendships. "Why should your husbandbe your best friend?" asks Seth. "Why can't you have a best friendand a husband?" That's good advice for all couples.

7. Women aren't from Venus and men aren'tfrom Mars.

And most of the gender stereotypes we have are wrong, too.

Who talks more? Women? No. Studies show men talkmore and interrupt more. Who lies more on a first date? No difference. Excepteach person lies about different things. (Men lie about themselves and womenlie about the men!)

"The vast majority of investigations that we dolooking at male and female differences find that we are far more similar thandifferent," says Dr. Grenier. Knowing whether someone is a man or a womandoes not tell us anything important about their communication style, emotionalneeds, financial style or anything else. "Thinking about and worryingabout gender differences is almost a complete waste of time," he says.

So, forget gender and park your assumptions. Maybeyour husband wants to be held more, maybe he needs to talk about his worries atwork or his concerns about aging. You're more alike than you think!

8. When you argue, it should be all aboutyou.
This powerful communication tool is simple: You know your own thoughts andfeelings best, so stick to that. Don't tell your partner "how they think,or what they should or shouldn't be," says Beckow. He calls this being inthe "other person's business."

Dr. Grenier agrees. "As soon as you start usingthe word you, you immediately just piss the other person off," he says."There's no faster way to make another adult angry than to tell them whatthey think or feel... that you are more of an expert on their internal statethan they are."

So stick to I.O.U. (I Over You) language -- say Ithink, I feel and I need. (The only exception is when you use you in aquestion: What do you want? What do you think?)

9. It's not about money. It's about what youthink about money.
Money is one of the three things couples fight about most, say therapists. (Nosurprise -- sex and the division of labour are the other two.) Every person hasa financial style -- some people live for today, others want to save fortomorrow.

"Neither is right or wrong," says Dr.Grenier. "If there was an overall, indisputably correct thing to do withmoney, we would have figured it out and we'd all be doing that. The problem is,there isn't."

So, the key is to stop trying to win and figure outwhat makes each person comfortable when it comes to money. One solution is tohave three bank accounts, counsels Dr. Grenier -- his, hers and ours. Also,major decisions have to be made together. "As soon as somebody makes animportant financial decision without consulting the other person," saysDr. Grenier, "the chances of that being a source, and potentially apermanent source, of conflict is huge." Money, likesex, is about trust. Erode that trust and the consequences to a marriage can befatal.

10. Sex. It's mostly about talking... andfun.
Forget erectile dysfunction or lack of orgasms. In fact, what most couplesstruggle with is low sexual desire or mismatched levels of desire.

Low libido is especially common todayin dual-career couples. At the end of a long, stressful day at work, after thehomework, the lessons and the lunches, who has the time or the energy for sex?Assuming both people want more sex, the solution is to think more openly aboutsex and to talk about it. Sexual problems usually get solved not in thebedroom, say therapists, but in the kitchen, with people talking.

When one person wants sex more often than the other,the main advice is still to talk about it. The couple may havemisunderstandings about what they are doing, what they want to do and what theycould do. Talking openly, honestly and without fear is a start.

"We need to give people permission to thinkabout other ways of having sex rather than the scripted, boringefficiency-driven versions of sex," says Dr. Grenier, who did sex researchfor his PhD and taught human sexuality at The University of Western Ontario.That means talking about masturbation (yes, pretty much everybody does it),about quickies, about sex in the afternoon, about assumptions and perceptions."We need to open up the opportunities for sex," he says. "Sex isgood. Sex is healthy. Sex is a great coping mechanism. Sex is a great stressmanagement tool. Sex is a great form of relationship glue."

Marriage therapists emphasize that couples are on along journey together. "The opportunity to learn to love is immense,"says Beckow. Marriage is a dynamic experience. "You have to keep havingthese conversations for the rest of your life," says Dr. Grenier."You don't wish a house, you build a house."

Finally, therapists like to remind couples thatbeing together should be fun. "So many people work their partners todeath, work their problems to death," Beckow says, adding that play,intimacy and ease are important.

Evans puts it simply. "You have to remember tohave fun!"