12/19 星期日

醒来时已经是下午,窗外没有阳光,阴郁的天气.从落地的窗望出去,看得到河岸和高速公路,一只鸽子停在我的阳台上.又是一天,我讨厌这种阴冷的冬日,绝望的情绪四处蔓延.我打开窗,让房间里的烟味散去,很久没有抽烟,但昨晚心情实在低落,所以... 年少轻狂时,很向往那种颓废的气质,觉得很COOL;如今真的止不住的一路颓废下去,才发现,颓废带着一种痛,刺得我体无完肤,却只能默默忍受.失望,恐慌,挣扎;再次失望,继续恐慌,仍然挣扎...终有一天,绝望,还是恐慌,但不再挣扎,于是颓废. --"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers...choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose a future. Choose life...But why would I want to do a thing like that? " 我很喜欢[TRAINSPOTTING],但只看过一遍,虽然我有保存这电影.我没有胆量再看第二遍,因为不愿承认自己和电影里的那群LOSERS是一类人,其实我心里清楚,所以狂热的喜欢这电影.表面上看,我和他们不同,我有漂亮的学历,不菲的收入,"正常"的朋友,是活在阳光下的人;而他们只是一群垃圾,要偷要抢,为了继续吸毒;like what they say, choose life, we chose the different life styles.应该感谢我父母,他们的"好孩子政策"帮我选择了阳光下的生活,而不是做一堆垃圾.佛说,众生平等;很讽刺,我这个阳光下的人,在精神上和那群垃圾相差无己,一样的颓废,一样的绝望,一样的龌龊,一样的愤怒,一样的无可救药... 知道吗,其实"垃圾"不是最糟的,至少他们承认他们是垃圾;包装精美的"垃圾"才真正的让人恶心,我觉得自己很恶心,在某种意义上. Choose life...how?